Mock Morals: Goodbye, Sister!

My sister left for university today. She has left forever.

I am sad because I never really spent the time to get to know her. She was just a family member to me -- like an annoying cousin that you are forced to love. Through all our years together, we were always involved in endless fights over the stupidest things. Boys, music, clothes, everything -- those were our concerns. I think we wanted to win arguments more than we wanted to be together. It was a crazy relationship. I always felt that sisters should be friends and share a close bond amongst themselves. My sister and I did not have anything like that.

My sister Erica is five years older than I am. She is the epitome of an angel, the perfect sibling to have. Erica is gorgeous, flawless and smart. Everyone I know envies her for her glowing skin, radiant beauty, intelligence and ability to master a variety of instruments. I was the opposite of her, an athletic tomboy. "The perfect role model" they would call her. I shrugged and replied "You don't have to live with her." I was always reluctant to admit hat she secretly has been my role model. I admired Erica from afar, daring not to get too close. She was always so hormonal and rude. Erica had a certain attitude about her that repelled me and instead, attracted her friends.

She was constantly with her friends and never me. I cannot judge though, because I always ignored her for my friends as well. They understood me more. My best friend Bridget and I were especially close and inseparable. We seemed attached by the hand as we always walked arm in arm. One day, I told her that she was like my "sister". How could that be? I had never known or felt what it was like to have a sister.

"Holly you know, I was always jealous of you," she told me once. It was the first conversation we'd had that didn't involve screaming and rude insults being thrown at each other.

"Me? PSHH. Why?" I asked, thinking that this was some type of clever offense.

"Because. You were always prettier than me, and you still are. Look at how gorgeous you are. When I was your age, I was an ugly duckling. I had the ugliest bucked teeth and I had to wear those awful braces all throughout high school. All the boys laughed at me. But you talk to boys everyday and I always feel guilty that I couldn't teach you anything in those departments. I envied you for so many years." She replied.

"I was always jealous of your friends" I said.

"My friends? Why?" she asked as though she were getting defensive.

"Because . . . they got to know you better" I told her.

And with that, she hugged me. It was not those fake "It's your birthday!" type of hugs. But a passionate, sisterly hug. A hug that symbolized a temporary truce and understanding between us. I cannot remember the last time we had shown any loving emotions for one another. When she tried to let go of me, I held onto her even tighter and I yelled "I don't want you to leave."

Erica said she wanted to live in a dorm room to get the 'full university experience'. Nonetheless I wanted to feel the experience of having a sister which I had missed out on for so long. She was beginning a new chapter in her life and I was expected to be happy for her. However, was I also expected to be joyous about the fact that my 'invisible' sibling was leaving forever? We had grown apart and just as the friendship glue between us was drying, she wanted to tear away from me. I pleaded for her not to go and begged my parents to agree with me. You might think that I was overreacting but I was not. Erica is going to a university in a different province, an extremely prestigious school that will pave her future. I can only hope that I follow in her footsteps. The thing is, I want to her to walk beside me forever and help me jump through the fiery hoops that she faced. I want to learn from her and hold her hand every step of the way.

It's funny that I can write all these feelings down but I can't muster up the courage to say them to her. When I open my mouth, my mind goes blank. I don't know why I am so scared of her. I guess I fear rejection. I don't want her to think that I am a stupid little child when I admire her so much. I can't even remember the last time that I told her I loved her, which is pretty sad once you think about it. I didn't even say that since her birthday, the last time she was injured, or the day she told me that she was accepted into one of the best post-secondary schools in the country.

Knowing that this was the day she was leaving, I locked myself in the basement while my parents helped her pack her things and get ready for the long journey that awaited her. I curled up on the sofa and began watching In Her Shoes -- a movie about sisterhood. At the end of the film the thought finally hit me. I carry my sister's heart in my heart. I want my sister to be present at my wedding, to approve of my future husband, to be there when I have kids -- or to come to my graduation, cheer me on at my volleyball tournaments and love me. I want her to be as proud of me as I am of her. Our rivalry doesn't matter to me anymore. I borrowed her clothes without asking and I wanted to play with her when she was busy doing her homework. I didn't know what homework was and I was clueless as to why she was gone for 8 hours on weekdays. I was angry that she neglected me so I wrecked her belongings. Even if she was angry at me, at least she would notice me. My plan backfired when she did the same to me and ruined one of my favorite dolls. So I avenged my doll's death as our lifelong war began. These memories raced through my mind as I ran up the basement stairs and out the front door.

"Did she leave yet?" I frantically asked my mother. She simply pointed to our garage where my sister and my father were loading the last of her bags.

"I'LL MISS YOU," I said as she climbed into her car. Had she heard me?

Before disappearing off into the sunset, she smiled at me. I think I received a telepathic message from her -- she had said she would miss me too. I couldn't stop myself from smiling as I watched her drive away . . .

My sister left for university today and I am going to miss her. But I am so glad I told her that.