Author's Note: I apologize for missing last week, I somehow forgot all about the times! No worries, I'm back now!
There are a lot of things people warn you about. Like they say, look both ways before you cross the street! Or don't take the jellybeans from the bald man! Or that clown down by the river that gives out snow cones is not legit! Or that cake looks sketchy don't eat it!
But the day this "Life Lesson" took place, nobody warned me about the forthcoming incident waiting to happen.
It was a cold afternoon. A cold afternoon when the sky was covered by clouds, and not even the fluffy marshmallow ones that look amazing to frolic in either, but the angry gray ones where evil things like giant scorpions live. But these clouds were not just normal angry gray clouds, these ones decided to bring SNOW with them. Can you believe that little tidy . . . they brought snow.
Snow that fell from the sky like the candy from that donkey pinata at Belinda's birthday. Fell like Chaaad when Belinda kicked him in the groin area. Fell like me when attempting to run out of cemeteries. Oh it fell. It fell and fell and fell and would not shut the heck up. I tried to punch it, I tried to kick it but the snow would just not stop. I went outside with my ninja weapons and attempted to maul the dirty fiendish things to death, but apparently blow up numb chucks and plastic swords cannot make frozen precipitation stop falling. Nobody decided to warn me about that until a freak incident involving numb chucks and a light bulb resulted in the death of numerous fish in my neighbor's pond that were somehow still living. I live in an odd neighborhood. Like this one time, all we could hear was donkey screeches coming from my neighbor who we call Mr. Bob because we don't know his real name, we could only hear donkey screeches coming from his basement. And also we have another weird neighbor guy that just paces his pool for like 24 hours a day and we don't even really know why. Maybe it was because once we threw a kid in his pool but like I don't know he seems a little too cautious for that to be the cause of his hysteria.
Aside from that little piece of information I'm sure your hungry mind enjoyed thoroughly, much like a cat enjoying a piece of sock, I think it's about time we move on with this next unfortunate event that took place in my life so that you can avoid the same events and possibly laugh at them in the process.
So on this cold, snowy afternoon, I was fortunate enough to catch a nasty cold from numchucking snowflakes in the groin all day. Now, we all know there's just one cure for a nasty cold from numchucks, and that just happens to be hot chocolate in a travel mug with whipped cream all up in it. So, I simply poured the hot chocolate mix into the travel mug with some water in it.
Innocent enough? Riiiiight?
But then, I noticed that boiling the water had happened to slip my mind. So I took the mug . . .
and held it . . .
and lifted it . . .
to the microwave . . .
and put it inside . . .
and set the temperature . . .
and turned it on . . .
and waited three innocent seconds . . .
when the unthinkable happened.
BAM SWASH BOOM!
It happened in a flash. Suddenly, the innocent mug of hot chocolate had turned into a fiery infestation of the microwave!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed. This was the end. The very end. My house and all my possessions were going down with my mug of chocolaty hotness. I screamed at the top of my lungs and took off out the door. I was outside again in the white snowy wonderland.
"FIIIIREEEEEEE!!!!!" I screamed and yelled and convulsed and writhed and hollered. "THERE'S A FIRRRRRRRRE!!!!"
All of the neighbors were looking outside their windows by now, some coming out their doors to see what the entire ruckus was. Suddenly, my mother burst threw the door.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING CHILD?" My mom was staring at me intensely.
"FIRE! INSIDE! MICROWAVE! NUMCHUUUUCKSSSS!!" I sobbed on the concrete road in the middle of the neighborhood.
"Joanne," My mom stared at me.
"Yes m'am? Sir? Sir m'am? How are you today?" I responded just as fiercely.
"Why is there a metal travel mug in our microwave?"
"Because I forgot to boil the numchucks . . . I mean . . . water," I explained as best I could through the intense beating of my heart.
"Why the heck did you put metal in the microwave?"
"Because it wanted to be hot," I explained again. The woman just wasn't getting it.
See Whyville, it turns out that when you put metal in a microwave, it tends to catch on fire.
It also turns out that it was not snowing in May, and that it was in fact rain, and that explains why the fish were still living and stuff. I just got my precipitations mixed up. So, the advice I offer this week is to not put metal materials in the microwave, because then you will end up with a pond of dead fish, a neighborhood of people who think you're an odd child, a broken sword, and a burned mug, and a smell you can not get rid of for days.
Well, the kid from the fair needs another sponge bath, which means I have to peace. Goodbye, and don't ever forget the following inspirational quote.
"He who puts metal in the microwave will end up with broken sword."
I never knew what it meant until now.
