I cleaned out my locker today. Was it really my locker, or a metaphorical part of myself that was cleaned?
Today is the last day of school. I know that I should be joyous about the fact that I am leaving my teachers and school work behind and being able to relax for the next two months. However, my mind is still inside the halls of my high school. I am still reminiscing about the friends I've made, and the memories that I am "relaxing" from.
Throughout the year, I was swamped with homework. I am an academic student and I was fully aware that I purposely put myself in my demise. I seemed to be buried with work after school. Sometimes, I just wanted to rip the papers to shreds. I wanted to break free from my shackles and scream. "THIS IS TOO MUCH!" yelled my mind, but physically I was still working. Nonetheless, I continued suffering, knowing that my hard work would not go unnoticed. I would be rewarded greatly with a fabulous report card and two months of relaxation.
As I am clutching my fabulous report card, I do not feel all that happy. And as I sigh, it is not a sigh of relief, but of sadness. I am happy for myself, I have accomplished the goals that I set at the beginning of the year. I achieved my 90% in English class and raised my average to 93% . . . I am too disappointed to pat myself on the back, even though others have. My friends congratulated me on my success. Even strangers had done the same in my yearbook, saying "You're so smart. See you next year, and have an awesome summer!"
I want to tell them to shut up. Do they not realize that I don't want my summer? I do not want to leave these hallowed halls. Instead, I want to barricade myself inside my school and replay my morning routine each and every day of the summer. I know this sounds a little whacked, but it is the truth coming from an over achiever such as myself. As I mentioned above, I am an excellent student. This year, I enrolled myself in several clubs for the all too sacred university application which represented the pathway to my academic future. I made several friends by joining these clubs, and we have become a close knit group throughout the year. Through our fights, cries and the many that walked the plank, we have withstood every trial and tribulation that our friendship was put through.
I remember when I felt as if the world was colliding inside my mind. The walls were closing in on me and I could not breathe. I felt that I was doing too much and needed to calm down . . . to run away from my problems. I need a break! I remember considering turning to drugs . . . assuming that a minuscule joint would do me no harm. Before crossing over to the problematic side, I consulted my friends. They assured me that I was a gorgeous, athletic, smart girl who did not need to turn to harmful substances to release pressure. Instead, they offered to assist me with my homework and mended my hectic schedule. I am eternally grateful for all they have done to pull me put of my rut.
Tick . . . tock . . . tick . . . this is how slow time passed by in Math class. I recall sitting at my desk and doodling away. I wondered why everything was occurring so slowly . . . I felt frozen in time. And now, I feel the exact same way. I am standing still as everyone whizzes past me. They are all excited about the summer and discussing their plans. I can not plan my summer with my friends because I am going on vacation to Vancouver, British Columbia -- it is half way across the country! I know the old saying: I can always spend time with my friends through email, webcam, etc. But I don't want to. I won't the same closeness over the phone. Hearing their voice is nice, however I don't solely want their voice -- but their entire essence too. I do not want to let them go for the summer and loosen the grip that I have worked so hard to tighten.
I have all these thoughts in my mind that I am trying to process. I want to have a great summer and spend time with my cousins in Vancouver. However, this means that I am going to leave my school and friends behind in Toronto, which is not something I don't want to give up. My family will always be there . . . will my friends? I know that I will see them again in September. But I want desperately want to fill the void between now and September. I think that's what I am confused about the most: my family will always be there, but will I always be there for my family? This is why I agreed to go on vacation with as opposed to residing with my grandmother during the summer.
I am being a little hypocritical of myself because the option of summer school still looms over my head. This alternative is hanging by a thread and being dangled back and forth over my eyes. But I choose not to grab for it . . . I guess I want to take it easy and get away. Instead of looking at my classmates, I chose to look outside the window. I realize that no one shares my pain of loneliness. This desperation of trying to salvage what I can of my misery cannot be described in words. It can only be conveyed through what I see:
The wind is blowing, moving the trees in a rhythmic motion. But the trees are resilient towards being blown away by the wind.
holiday50
