They say our days are numbered. If only I knew how high my numbers went. Nobody knows. We just live our lives, never knowing when our last day will be. Will it be today? Tomorrow? 5 years? 20 years? We don't know, and we never will. And this scares me.
Of all the things I fear, beneath the spiders, big dogs, and high bridges, I fear death the most. Dying is something I don't ever want to do. Why would anyone? I try to tell myself that dying is something that has to happen, everyone dies. But it doesn't comfort me. It just reminds me that sooner or later, it's going to happen to me.
I envy those people that have lived a long, full life, and say they're ready to die. How can people say they could die right now and be fine with it? Just the thought of dying gives me the chills, how would I ever be ready? As much as I think if I live to be an old lady, a wise old lady with tons of amazing experiences, I'll be ready to die, I know I'm wrong. I'll never be ready to die. Dying is one thing I'll probably always fear, and never be ready for. It's just something that's going to happen.
I think the death of other people scares me more than the death of myself. I sometimes hear about tragic deaths of people. It scares me when people around me die. It scares me to have to hope and pray my loved ones won't die. It's scary to begin to think my great-grandma won't be around forever. She's lived for a very long time, and she's been there my entire life. What will it be like when suddenly, she's no longer here?
Maybe it's not the actual dying I'm afraid of. Maybe it's the part where someone who dies isn't here anymore. Dying is something that happens, it has to. And when someone dies, I know they're in a better place, a place where they'll be happy, worry free. A place where I will eventually join them, but until that time, they're no longer with me. And that's the part that scares me most.
I don't want to die. I don't want anyone else to die. But what am I to do?
