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Some days I close my eyes and dream of days when everything in my life was normal. Green grass. Blue skies. Never-ending sunshine under a blanket of happiness. And then some days I will close my eyes and all I see is darkness. The darkness that haunts my every nightmare. All my feelings of hatred that were hid in some corner finally come exploding out as I scream at everything the world is and everything its becoming. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. For the first time in my life, I'm lost. Torn between two paths, neither one leading to greener grass.
All the laughs, smiles, and love I had is gone. Shut out of every window and door that used to always be open. There are so many thoughts running through every possible corner of my mind. One minute I'll be happy and the next,sad. What is happening to me? Is this really what growing up is all about? People told me things were going to change, but I never believed them until my world got turned inside out. My friends are changing, my personality, my style, and my whole life revolve around something new every day.
I wish that I could just pause the world for one brief second and just be me. Frozen in time, all my days run together like a river that leads no where. I'm tired of traveling roads that have no end. If this is what it means to be lost, I guess I finally understand the meaning.
What does it mean to be alive? Am I just another girl who is meant to follow the path she was given, or am I different, sent to seek out my own path? I don't feel God's guidance around me anymore. Everything I used to know is slipping out from under my grasp. I'm tired of having to be so strong all the time. Tired of putting on a happy face when I'm broken. Does anyone really know who I am? I let the music carry me to sleep in hopes of tomorrow being better, but it never is. So many decisions to make. Just one can make you or break you.
So many times I have turned back, so many opportunities gone. Well you know what? I'm sick of having to be this way. I close my eyes and let the keys leak their words on to the page as I float to an alternative universe. And as everything is passing by me, I take off for the very first time. I'm lost, but now I know where I'm going. If nothing is as it seems, I might as well look forward instead of back. If this road leads no where, I'll turn around and start over just like I have done in every other chapter of my life. So this is what it means to be lost.
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