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Gather round, Whyvillians! Learn the story of the first single-footed, colorful-shelled slimy thing ever to grace the shores of Whyville. Let me tell the tale of one of the most influential invertebrates in Whyville - no bigger than a single clam. He is Scargo the Snail! A snail so respected by the City Workers that they awarded him a Golden Why Hat for his services to the well-being of our glorious town. However, he is a shy and modest snail and many citizens have never heard of him, but never fear!!! I have opened up the "secret vaults" in the Times Archives (just please don't tell the Editor!) and have found the last, almost lost accounts of this fantastic creature. Here is the story of Scargo the Snail . . .
You see, it all started in Kuala Lumpar. The year was 2000 and they'd just begun trialing dig sites for the Geodig. Many of the locals were intrigued by the new influx of people, none of whom had bodies or lower bodies. These strangers were seemingly without reason digging, poking and brushing many of their sites of rockological interest. No one found this more interesting, however, than Scargo. Actually, he didn't care at all about the rocks. He was more interested in the big, shiny, time machine in the car park at Tescoes that they'd brought along with them. Unfortunately, by the time he'd released this and was able to squelch along the 20 feet to what we know as the Warp Wagon, it was already 2001. Luckily, no one was in the Warp Wagon at the time. All of the City Workers had gone off for their New Year's meal at Pizza Hut. Did you know that City Hall likes Bananas, Jalapenos and Chocolate on her pizza? No, I didn't either.
Anyway, being quite a few pixels smaller than the City Workers, Scargo had to sit on the buttons to make them work. You've got to understand now that navigating the Warp Wagon was quite an impressive feat for a snail. Not only does every City Worker in Whyville have to have a PhD in wagonneering but snails cannot read or do arithmetic although they can write poetry exceedingly well. Through some magic, most likely involving the power of some deity or other, Scargo arrived in the airfield in Whyville. What he saw was not what you and I see in Whyville, my friends. He arrived to complete chaos! Swearers were tearing off their ductape. Designers were accepting legs and brand names! Remember Skumbag68, the famous hacker from years back? He'd become senator and was leading the Whyvillians in a violent rebellion! In the distance, Scargo could see citizens trying to pull down City Hall and newbies crowding Club Why! Of course the City Workers could not do anything as they were in a pizzeria somewhere listening to Scylla tell them for the 8th time his anecdote about him and the duck. Even though Scargo knew nothing about this place, such a selfless snail he was, he decided that something must be done.
Scargo climbed back into the cockpit of the Warp Wagon and tried to start it up again. Suddenly, he sees a cheeky Whyvillian at the side of the machine. To his horror, this citizen was letting ALL of the petrol out of the Warp Wagon. Scargo was unable to go anywhere. Looking out at the turmoil in Whyville, Scargo buried his snaily head into his one foot and cried. Even if he had a plan to help Whyville, it would take him years to get anywhere . . .
And that is that for this week Whyvillians!
Until next time,
Cobd
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