It hit me, I have finally realized I am going to die. I've known this, but it seriously knocked the breath out of me and scared me. What will happen? All my thoughts, movements gone. When you lay in bed just thinking, death isn't like it is it? You just there forever, thinking, seeing nothing but darkness.
I was sitting in reading class when it happened. The day before in Science our teacher was telling us how some people aren't dead when the doctors say there are. When their heart and brain stops, sometimes you aren't dead yet. Many people have reported seeing the doctors walk in and out, hearing the conversations exactly, when they appear to be dead. Imagine your in the hospital and your brain and heart stop. You can see everything hear everything but you can't talk or move. You try to yell that you aren't dead, but you can't. Then if you come back to life you remember everything. How horrifying would that be? Scientists are studying how you can see be alive when you are dead. It's confusing I know.
Back to reading class we were discussing about how scientists wanted to turns Mars in to a new Earth, and actually be able to send people there. Then it hit me. I felt loneliness, and darkness seep in to my soul. It's hard to describe. I was thinking about dying, and started asking myself questions, scary questions. Is there a heaven, a hell? If I'm reincarnated will I remember my old life? I hate it, not knowing the answers. In math, there's always an answer, so simple everything is just addition, multiplication, division, and subtraction. Why can't death be simple? Why can't it be an algebra problem I can work out?
Knowledge is powerful. Don't you feel scared when you don't know everything? Like what is out in the universe? From that I thought about space. An astronaut's safety hook broke out in space. You can't save him, he's forever gone. Just floating away forever. Would dying be like that? Could you be conscious sort of, knowing what was happening to you, but surrounded by darkness? I couldn't stop thinking these horrible thoughts.
Then during History we were discussing the bubonic plague. There were so many dead bodies they would throw lots of people in one big hole. I guess some people who weren't actually dead climbed out and over all the other dead bodies. They started putting the bodies in boxes then put a string and a bell over their hole. If you woke up in the box, underground, you could ring the bell. That's true because in Rome that's what they did.
You know when you wake up at like three AM from a nightmare and you try to forget but you can't, then if you fall back to sleep you continue to have that nightmare? That was what I was going through. I couldn't stop scaring myself.
I know I'm getting deep, but this made me realize something. Always try to be happy, while you can. Live everyday like that day was your last. That's pretty much impossible if you think about it. How can you be happy if you just failed your science test, or lost a boy/girlfriend. People would think you were crazy if you smiled every day, even if something horrible happened. So cross that out and try to do this: Look on the bright side. Look forward to things.
"To die will be an awfully big adventure."
-J.M. BARRIE, Peter Pan
"Death, in itself, is nothing; but we fear,
To be we know not what, we know not where"
-JOHN DRYDEN, Aureng-Zebe
"Why fear death? It is the most beautiful adventure in life."
-CHARLES FROHMAN, His last words before going down on the Lusitania
